


A Thousand Reasons Why - Not

by shuns



Series: Becoming McGonagall [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Banter, Canon Backstory, F/M, FOTR, Fluff, Happy 1000th User Fairest of the Rare, Unintentional overlap with The Thin Man, bit o' smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 19:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19774684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shuns/pseuds/shuns
Summary: Tired of being stood up, Minerva McGonagall has broken off her relationship with Elphinstone Urquart. He is not going to let her go that easily. No, he hasA Thousand Reasons Why - Not.





	A Thousand Reasons Why - Not

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Fairest of the Rare](https://www.facebook.com/groups/fairestoftherare) 1000th Member Dabble Prompt. I never met a prompt I didn't like and my prompt - serial killer metamorphosis - seemed made for me.
> 
> But then fluff came out, piles and piles of fluff, 1,000 words of it to be exact. What a way to celebrate.

The five-pound box of chocolates - Honeyduke’s _Sorry Sweetheart Special_ \- thumped down on the desk. Minerva McGonagall looked up. Recognizing the source with a flick of her wand, she levitated the giant pink satin heart to the bin and blew it up with a wordless _diffindo_. “No. Whatever you have to say - no.”

“But Minnie-”

She leveled her stun-a-seventh-year glare at him. “Away with you and boil your head, you great numpty. I’m well and truly done with you this time, Urquart.”

”I can explain, Minnie. I didn’t want to leave you -”

The Scots have a snort for every occasion; the one she aimed at Elphinstone Urquart, Director of the Missing Magicals - a division of the DMLE and her erstwhile swain - roughly translated to ‘Don’t test me, _goblinshite_.’ “You left me. You didn’t just leave. No, your hand was up my robe and your mouth on my - tit _._ I was right there, so very close. Then a note bounced out of my Floo, and you were off to Godric knows where. I don’t hear from you for a week, Elphinstone. _A week!_ ”

He stood at the far edge of her desk. It was smart to keep some distance when her hackles were up. He couldn’t help himself, and he leaned over with a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “Don't you want to know what happened? Three words - serial killer metamorphosis.” 

Minerva's eyebrows climbed towards her hairline, her mind already ticking over like an engine. “A true metamorphmagus? Or just a polyjuice potion? You know the only way to tell is to take a sample of hair...” Her voice died as she saw his smug smile too late. _Oh, that blaaguad!_ “Not that I care one wit.”

Seeing her resolve crack, he came around the corner and leaned against her desk, blocking the stack of papers she had yet to mark. His voice was thick, “I missed you, Minnie. I’ve been going out of my mind. You returned my owls unopened, doused the fire when I Floo call, and you petrified me in the street today when I tried to explain. An ordinary wizard might think that you didn’t like him.” He gave her his puppy dog eyes. He had an advantage, as his recently discovered animagus form was a wire fox terrier. It explained why they fought like cats and dogs. 

“Lucky for you, I am an _extra-_ ordinary wizard.” He plucked the quill from her hand and dropped it on the desk. He uncurled her fingers, stroking each one as he did. “I missed your mind, Minnie. Your tongue.” He waggled his eyebrows. Usually, she was able to contain her tabby side, but the hiss slid out involuntarily. " _Sharp_ tongue. And your hands. Your clever, beautiful, powerful hands.” He folded his hand around hers. “Please, Minnie let me make it up to you. Dinner and _dessert_. I promise no interruptions.”

She let loose a snort conveying ‘heard that before.' “You won’t leave, for any reason.”

“Wild hippogriffs couldn’t drag me from your side.”

“Even if someone is reduced to a shade of blue?” That had happened.

“Wizards trying to become superintelligent shades of any color are on their own.” He smiled and winked and her heart or stomach, she wasn’t sure which internal organ, fluttered and turned over. _Oh, he was a devil_. 

“Or if enchanted squirrels attack muggle electricity towers to quiet the neighbors' telly?” That had happened twice. She shifted in her seat to draw closer to him. 

“The little blighters can roast themselves.” He brought her hand to his lips, keeping his gaze level. 

“What if an entire quidditch team goes missing because they accidentally opened a fairy road to the Unseelie Court?”

“Then they better beware of the bargains they strike because I won’t be there to stop them.” He kissed the tips of her fingers, nipping at the pads. _Insufferable man who did not fight fair._

She felt her brow creeping up, even as the smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. “Fine. I’ll trade my rounds tonight. So help me Elphin, if you so much as _look_ at the Floo, I will rip out your mustache by the root and turn it into a paintbrush.” 

He tsked, “So violent.” He tugged her hand, pulling her from her chair into his arms. A cloud of pipe tobacco, leather from his wand holster, and the fading notes of citrus, sandalwood, and nutmeg from his cologne enveloped her. He buried his hands in her hair. “ _Accio_ hateful hairpins that should be banned. Your hair must always be wild and free.” She felt her bun loosen. He vanished the pins and shook out her hair, and it tumbled down in soft black curls. “Oh Minnie, you are a beauty.”

This snort translated to ‘you do tell some whoppers.' “There are a thousand reasons why this is a bad idea.” 

“And I can think of a thousand reasons why - not.” He buried his face in her neck. Hot breath played along her skin, his lips brushing her pulse. His tongue darted out, probing and finding the spot towards the back of her neck midway between her shoulder and ear that made her legs buckle, every time.

He herded her towards the settee in front of the fire, pushing off her top robes as they went. Meanwhile, he whispered a non-stop stream of filthy things he was going to do to her once she was naked.

The flames flared, and a ball of parchment bounced out. Elphin caught it. “Just one moment, I’ve been waiting for a lead on where the killer is hiding - OUCH!”

* * *

A smiling Elphinstone Urquart was pictured in the _Prophet_ with the serial killer metamorphmagus he'd caught. Only when he turned to the side could you see that he was missing the other half of his jaunty mustache. His thoughts on the collar were somewhat cryptic, “Oh, catching him was easy, catching a naughty cat, now that is hard.”

**Author's Note:**

> The pictures in the aesthetic are young Maggie Smith and William Powell. I had someone different in mind for Elphin, but I couldn't find any black and white pictures of him. So I when looking for 'black and white detective pictures'. What I found was the picture of William Powell with the caption of 'The Thin Man'. 
> 
> In one of those crazy instances of the brain storing things forever. I remembered loving the _Thin Man_ movies that starred William Powell and Myrna Loy as Nick and Nora Charles, a crime-solving husband and wife with their adorable wire fox terrier, Asta. They were a product of Dashiell Hammett, the author of the _Maltese Falcon_ and creator of Sam Spade.


End file.
